Double Exposure

Diefenbaker "Live" on Newsworld

written & performed by Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen

ANNOUNCER: Diefenbaker Live! Yes, fresh from his 100th birthday and really steamed, Dief the Chief is back to take your calls on Diefenbaker Live. And now, here he is, John Diefenbaker.

DIEF: Thank you, Mr. Announcer, and good day to everyone, especially those rascals on the Grit side of the house. I'm taking your calls on any topic at 1-800-333-5757. And I just want to add, those who display uncommon good sense and are closely aligned to my way of thinking will be most heartily heard out, and those on the side of the devil who would mock the magnificence of my greatest opinions will be cut off. Line 1, this is Diefenbaker Live, you're on the air.

CALLER: Mr. Diefenbaker?

DIEF: It most certainly is.

CALLER: I thought you were dead.

DIEF: That, madam, is utter tripe. I am as alive as the Tory party.

CALLER: So you are dead then.

DIEF: You, madam, remind me of a skunk that I once ran across while stumping my constituency in Prince Albert. That pesky skunk and I found ourselves blocking each other's path. And there was the most odious smell in the air, and I simply yelled "SHOO!" and it was gone.

CALLER: Well, what does that have-

Line 2, this is Diefenbaker Live. Fire away.

CALLER: Yeah, Dief, it's Phil here in Dartmouth. (Dart*muth*)

DIEF: You mean, Darthmouth? (Dart*mouth*)

CALLER: No, no, no, that's what Preston Manning called it.

DIEF: Preston Manning?

CALLER: Uh-huh.

DIEF: You mean to tell me that great squawking prairie chicken Ernest Manning has progeny?

CALLER: Well yeah, but I wanted to ask you about the Bloc Quebecois, so-

DIEF: Well Philip, my good fellow, I for one have never heard of anything like that.

CALLER: Well they're the separatists from Quebec, you know-

DIEF: Well then, all I can say is this: I recall a time when those rascals in the Union Nationale were a thorn in my side. And one night, in the Commons, after an exhausting and exasperating debate, I wagged my finger towards those pirates, and I cried out, "Arretez maintenant alors, j'ai un mal de tete, et je vais a la salle de bain!" And I tell you, you could hear a pin drop.

CALLER: Yeah, but the Bloc Quebecois are-

DIEF: Encore Phil, j'ai un mal de tete. Au revoirs. Just before I go to my final call on Diefenbaker Live, a word from our sponsor, the McCain's Fruit Punch. I always begin every day with a Fruit Punch. I find that it moves my bowels like the Hope Slide(?). And now, line 3, you're on the air.

CALLER: Johnny, is that really you, Johnny?

DIEF: Madam, I am not a portable outhouse, my name is John.

CALLER: Okay, well Johnny listen, this is Elsie Wayne calling, and I'm a member of the Tory caucus in Ottawa.

DIEF: Well that is wonderful. And how much of the Tory caucus do you control?

CALLER: Oh, half the caucus are on my side.

DIEF: Well madam, that is twice as good as I ever did. And that's all today for Diefenbaker Live. I'm John Diefenbaker saying so long for now.

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